Whump! What was that? I was sitting at lunch with a vendor and our meals had just been delivered. I closed my eyes for a minute and waited for the weird feeling in my chest to go away. “Oh, sorry…..just felt weird for a minute. I am ok now.”
Whump! I suddenly lose my appetite….now I never lose my appetite..never. “I think I need to go….it is probably nothing but I am going to drive myself to the ER just to check things out.” My vendor friend, Sharon, said “At least let me take you.” “Ok, but I hate to be a bother….if you just drop me off, I will get one of my friends at work to pick me up”.
We start out of the restaurant and I start to feel unsteady. I am helped to the car and into the passenger seat. Sharon asks me to look up the ER on the phone, but I can’t seem to work the technology. I text Jeffrey and my colleague at work that I am headed to ER, probably nothing, might need help to pick up the car at the restaurant later. Jeffrey asks me where I am going and I text back gibberish. We get to the ER, I walk in under my own power and that is where my recollection ends…….
I wake up 2 weeks later in the ICU. I have been in a medical coma for 2 weeks and under hypothermic care to reduce brain injury. I remember that moment so vividly…..my husband is holding my right hand and my daughter is at the end of my bed……and all I feel is joy.
I wake up 2 weeks later in the ICU. I have been in a medical coma for 2 weeks and under hypothermic care to reduce brain injury. I remember that moment so vividly…..my husband is holding my right hand and my daughter is at the end of my bed……and all I feel is joy.
“You’ve had a heart attack and you are in the hospital”. Yes, I know. I am surrounded by light and joy and my family. Those first few conscious days are pretty muddled……my brain is struggling and I don’t clearly remember the sequence of things or what things I misunderstood. Prior to full consciousness, they are taking me out from underneath anesthesia periodically to gauge my responsiveness and my brain activity. They ask me to squeeze their hand if I can hear them and I do. They ask me to release their hand and I squeeze harder and harder…..”Please I am in here and I am so happy you are talking to me”. They take that as inability to comply and put me back under. As they are bringing me out, I have several seizures and they put me on anti-seizure medication.
They decide to take the tubes out. I overhear the doctor and my daughter saying something about re-intubating me in a particular situation and something about morphine preventing that…..again, brain not fully working. So when I come to and they ask me what they can get me I reply “Morphine.” And I tell Jeffrey and my son not to let that SOB re-intubate me. They take out the tubes and for some reason I think they took them out of the top of head…..I ask Jeffrey if there is a hole in the top of my head.
The neurologist comes in. She asks me to touch my nose…….so weird, when I reach I touch my upper lip. Really? I can’t even find my own nose? Now touch my finger…….so hard, so hard to force my finger to find hers.
I say to my husband….I came in for a heart attack and they ruined my beautiful brain?? I have never been the cute one or the popular one but I was always the smart one. My sweet husband starts to help me piece together what has happened. “Well, there are some things I haven’t told you yet.”
I say to my husband….I came in for a heart attack and they ruined my beautiful brain?? I have never been the cute one or the popular one but I was always the smart one. My sweet husband starts to help me piece together what has happened. “Well, there are some things I haven’t told you yet.”
My heart stopped twice in the ER and they had to use the paddles on me. I am brought to the ICU and put under hypothermic care to try to save brain tissue and they took my temperature down to 78 degrees for a full 24 hours. My husband and my co-worker, Mike, have had to figure out where my car is based on my work calendar and emails. My friends and co-workers have been at the hospital continually for 2 weeks…..praying for me, bringing food (Peggy’s pot roast was legendary), bringing cards and flowers, supporting Jeffrey, reading Bible verses, just being there and sharing stories (that’s scary). My company, BakerCorp, has paid for Jeffrey to have a hotel room so he can be there non-stop and he is. My daughter, Amy, is working extra hours, swapping shifts and driving over an hour to be there every day. My son’s wife has changed her evening shifts, so Matt can be with me every evening. I find out my husband has been reading my Bible lesson to me every morning while I am unconscious and he says my heart rate increases every single time. He has also been keeping a journal…..I haven’t had the courage to read it yet. How humbling the love that was poured out over me and Jeffrey during that time.
My brain isn’t working. Oddly enough, I don’t feel afraid or worried. I ask for water and am told I must be able to successfully swallow the water from an ice chip first…..the first 2 days, every single time I choke. But finally I earn my water. Next step is pureed food. Nothing so delicious and pleasing to the eye as pureed chicken. (picture) I have trouble getting the spoon to my mouth and meals take a long time and 90% of the food is sent back. I regularly spill whatever water I have all over me and my visiting friends (sorry Linda). My voice is barely a whisper and I cough up gunk that has to be cleared by vacuum every few minutes. I am still not allowed out of bed. But I grin like an idiot…..I am so very, very, very happy that I can’t even explain it. I find out later that Nancy and Linda have read the following verse to me while I am unconscious.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
When I am alone I think about God a lot. I am still alive….amazing. I am so thankful. I call to mind so many of God’s promises. I am so happy that I have some scriptures committed to memory.
“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want”. Psalm 23
“And we know in all things God works for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
“Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10
“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.” Psalm 91. Rest.
But mostly the passage that seems to come to mind is about the centurion in Matthew 8.
The centurion replied, “Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. 9 For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, ‘Go,’ and he goes; and that one, ‘Come,’ and he comes. I say to my servant, ‘Do this,’ and he does it.”
Just say the word and my servant will be healed. I just keep telling God that I know that he has dominion and if he says “Come” everything will obey him regarding my situation….all Jesus has to do is say the word and I will be healed. Sometimes I just lay in bed and say “Come” and he comes; “Go” and he goes. Now is a time to know that God is in control.
The physical therapist starts to come in daily. At first I need help just to stand. Then after a couple of days, I get a walker and I am allowed to take a few steps belted and assisted by a therapist. The next day, I get to take my first real shower. I can barely stand long enough to brush my teeth and the shower is really hard. After walking to the shower, I sit cold and naked on the bench because I need help getting up, but that is improvement from yesterday, so I am encouraged…..keep looking at the improvement. I actually get to go the bathroom with help….big improvement over a bed pan.
I am feeling well, my spirits are good, my friends and family are around me non-stop and my husband is amazing. I am pragmatic about where I am. I am scheduled for an MRI on a beautiful, sunny day. I am taken on a stretcher to the ambulance and the EMT is talking to me. “You are so lucky; 80% of people of the people we see with what you had (Ventricular Fibrillation) don’t survive the event. We saw the scans of your heart….there is no damage.” A nurse later tells me the same thing. I am shocked and humbled. I guess I had never considered how dire my situation could have been. I get moved to a regular room. I go in for my surgery to get the defibrillator implanted. I am feeling really good and think I am over the worst. In fact, I am already talking to my boss about when I think I can come back to work. I know I get to go home tomorrow and I am ready. I am walking very well with the walker although it makes me tired very quickly.
When I come out of surgery, I feel like a truck hit me. I hurt due to the surgery but also feel terrible. Melanie, my daughter-in- law, texts to say she is bringing the grandkids by and I tell her I am not up to it for the first time. The next day we go home. I feel so sick as we are driving. I can only walk with a walker and then only for a short distance. Even stepping up on a curb or the doorway requires help from Jeffrey. I am not allowed to drive. I come home with 11 prescriptions. I take them faithfully for about a week. I feel awful. I am sick to my stomach all day and off balance all the time….feels like having motion sickness 24 hours a day. I have no appetite, no energy. My blood pressure drops to 90/50 one day. I lose about 20 lbs over the 3 weeks including time in the hospital.
When I take a shower with my walker, I can’t close my eyes because of my balance. My fine motor skills don’t work….signing a document or writing a note is extremely difficult. I can’t concentrate well enough to read. I don’t read at all for over 2 months which hasn’t happened since I was 5. We watch all 7 seasons of the Good Wife because that is all I feel up to doing. I live in my bathrobe. We drive back and forth to doctors which intensifies my motion sickness. I cry a lot…..I am so frustrated…..what if I never feel better….what if I never get better….what if I die before I can get my affairs in order…what if…..what if. I call out to God all the time….He is my refuge and my fortress….He is the center of the storm……how would I have ever gotten through those days without His faithfulness and love; without knowing that if I die, I will be with Him immediately.
When I take a shower with my walker, I can’t close my eyes because of my balance. My fine motor skills don’t work….signing a document or writing a note is extremely difficult. I can’t concentrate well enough to read. I don’t read at all for over 2 months which hasn’t happened since I was 5. We watch all 7 seasons of the Good Wife because that is all I feel up to doing. I live in my bathrobe. We drive back and forth to doctors which intensifies my motion sickness. I cry a lot…..I am so frustrated…..what if I never feel better….what if I never get better….what if I die before I can get my affairs in order…what if…..what if. I call out to God all the time….He is my refuge and my fortress….He is the center of the storm……how would I have ever gotten through those days without His faithfulness and love; without knowing that if I die, I will be with Him immediately.
With the doctor’s help, I start to wean myself off all medications except the beta blockers. I start to feel better. Jeffrey buys me a Bubba Stick and I can now walk outside for short jaunts. I start physical therapy.
My first day, they have me do a long questionnaire about my capabilities…..some of the questions make me laugh…”How likely that you could walk a mile”…..really? I still can’t walk across the kitchen without consciously thinking about it. “How likely that you can run a mile”……darn unlikely.
My first day, they have me do a long questionnaire about my capabilities…..some of the questions make me laugh…”How likely that you could walk a mile”…..really? I still can’t walk across the kitchen without consciously thinking about it. “How likely that you can run a mile”……darn unlikely.
They test me and one of the exercises they ask me to do is walk across the room turning my head first one way and then the other. I am afraid to try. Turning my head and walking makes me lose my balance. They ask me to do a 2-step stair and I do using the hand rail….very slowly. Over the next week, my motion sickness finally dissipates and I feel 100% better. My depression lifts as soon as I start feeling physically better. I improve every week. I feel better every week. I get stronger every week.
I start working from home. I get tired very easily but enjoy being back in the fray. My team is really toting the most of the load but I am participating. I go to physical and occupational therapy for 4 hours a week for 2 full months. As I improve, I start driving myself to therapy…..first with Jeffrey in the car (white knuckling it with my attention problems) and then later on my own. At the end of 2 months, I am asking for some additional time in physical therapy and they tell me “You are a month ahead of schedule….this isn’t a gym….we are kicking you out.” I do a burpee with a Bosu just to make a point. And I grin.
In January, I start working full time and driving myself to work. I tire quickly but love being back to work. I feel fabulous today. There are a few lasting effects, but they are so minor in light of all that has happened. So much to be thankful for.
So I tell you all this not so you will feel sorry for me…..I am not sorry about any of it. I tell you so that I can brag on God’s goodness and the goodness of the people in my life…..so much goodness I can hardly put it into words. I want you to see that it is an absolute miracle that I am here with my mental faculties and my body working. Here is a short list of the miracles of which I am aware:
- I rarely get out of the office for lunch. I am so blessed I was out to lunch with a vendor. Had I been in the office I would have waited too long and there was no defibrillator in the entire building.
- When my heart stopped those 2 times, I was already in an ER, on the table. Had my heart stopped elsewhere it is unlikely I would have lived and had I lived, the brain trauma would have been severe. 80% of people don’t live.
- My heart was undamaged and I do not have heart disease.
- I recovered my motor skills, my concentration, my ability to touch my own nose, my short-term memory.
- I am recovering my strength and stamina….still in progress.
- We had just moved into a 1 story house. In our old house, we had no full bath or bedroom on the bottom floor. It would have been a logistical nightmare.
- Jeffrey was transitioning out of his job because of our move to Gainesville, so he could be available to help me full time until I was better and could drive.
Now here’s the mushy part because I knew I couldn’t get through this and do the rest of my talk:
- My co-workers and my company were and are unbelievable. They visited often, they paid to put Jeffrey up in a hotel so he could stay close, they brought snacks, they prayed for me and with me, they sent flowers and gifts, and they allowed me all the time I needed to recover with full pay. How blessed I am.
- What a wonderful man my husband is. He was awesome in so many ways….he prayed over me, he read my Bible to me, he held my hand, he advocated for me, he texted all my friends and family daily, he lived at the hospital, he drove me everywhere for 3 months, he was patient and kind even when I was frustrated and grumpy. He never so much as gave a frustrated sigh in all that time. He was amazing. Now he is back to his normal ornery self and I am so thankful.
- My friends are without rival. My friend Teri flew in from Colorado immediately. Nancy was the first person Jeffrey contacted and she and Wayne were first on the scene. My MCC friends were at the hospital every day with food, flowers, fashionable PJs, love and, again, those stories. Later friends drove out to Gainesville with more food and love…10 years ago before MCC Jeffrey and I really didn’t have that. My co-worker friends all remarked how awesome my “outside-of-work” friends are……..my friends all noted how awesome my co-workers are. I can’t thank you enough. I love each of you more than you can imagine. Such a wonderful and humbling experience.